Easy as Riding a Bike

Another word-for-word document from Bert. This time it's an email he sent to a friend. Bert should really write this blog himself to save me 'telling tales', but naturally he is far too busy doing Important Things.

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To jack-knife a bike simply follow the instructions below:

1. Get out of the saddle and apply power to the legs
2. When at maximum output call on God to throw the chain off the top ring without it landing on the bottom ring
3. The right side of your body will dip dramatically as resistance goes from high to zero
4. When the steering turns with your body, compensate by turning the other way
5. Repeat this a few times over correcting as you go
6. Once the front wheel is at 90 degrees to the bike launch yourself over it
7. Remember to outstretch the arm you wish to break and try to ensure that the helmet hits before the face as this can hurt quite a lot
8. When all of the stationary vehicle drivers have composed themselves from their hysterical laughter and given up saying things like "it serves you right" one of them, normally an old person will stroll over to assist
9. Remember to tell them to keep their fu**ing hands off your broken arm as this hurts more than breaking it in the first instance
10. Get yourself to your feet and remember to fall straight back down again
11. Repeat 9 as by this time laughter has set back in and they have forgotten what has been said
12. Finally tell everyone to piss off as you are quite capable of managing on your own
13. Post accident management requires complaining in a rather long letter to the NHS for employing a bunch of tossers who seem it better to arrive at a prognosis by looking at x-rays taken 6 months earlier, but that's OK because they will respond by saying that the person who look at your x-rays was not a consultant of sufficient standing to make a correct prognosis in any case

I trust at this point you are not also in a state of hilarity....and if you are.....remember I am at home and you are at work.