What a bunch of Dix

We're back (and we've been back for ages!). I'll offer no excuses, and simply hope that today's classic Bert story will win you round.

First, the background. On 12th November we ordered a telly from Dixons with a promised delivery date of 26th. You know the story: one delay/excuse follows another but finally we had a delivery arranged for this afternoon.

I was out and Bert wasn't sure he'd be around so my brother offered to wait in for the delivery. I phoned Bert's mobile at one point and my brother answered. "Bert can't come to the phone - he's arguing with the driver." "Oh dear," I thought. "I wonder what's wrong."

A bit later on I got a call from Bert. "I've got Dixons on the other phone. They won't talk to me without your authorisation, so you need to tell this woman who you are." So there I am on the high street with buses flying past, being jostled by the pre-Christmas crowds and shouting my details for all to hear. "Job done," I thought.

(Later my brother described how Bert had held the two phones together in a loving embrace, and coordinated the conversation by occasionally speaking into one or the other. ("Did you get that?" "Is that OK?") Afterwards he remarked "That's the best use of mobiles I've ever come across.")

A while later Bert called me again. "You might get a call from Dixons. You want a refund. I've ordered the telly from somewhere else." "Oh, okay" I replied.

When I got home Bert explained what had happened. When the delivery arrived, the driver asked Bert to sign the sheet while he fetched the telly. After about ten minutes Bert wondered what the driver was up to so he approached the van. "There's a bit of a problem, sir." We'd ordered a Panasonic, but Dixons had sent a Philips. "Do you want to take it?" asked the driver. Bert declined, and proceeded to rip up the delivery note. "What did you do that for?" asked the driver, sounding upset. Bert said that the delivery note indicated that he had received the item when he hadn't. He then tore off the bit with his signature on and handed the other bits of paper back. The driver left.

Then Bert phoned Dixons. The first person he spoke to said, "We can only talk to the account holder." (I had made the order.) "Oh that's OK," said Bert. "I'm Mrs. [...]. My date of birth is [...]. I live at [...]. Is there anything else you need?" "No, that's fine sir." That conversation was friendly enough but the guy couldn't help. A second call went similarly. Bert called a third time and got through to Mrs. Robinson. Mrs. R. denied everything, including any possibility that the delivery driver had turned up as there was no such information on her screen. After arguing with her for half an hour, Bert realised that observing niceties was getting him nowhere.

Bert: Tell me one thing, why are you working for Dixons?

Mrs. R.(sounding bemused): What do you mean?

Bert: Have you ever thought about working for the Nazis? [pause] And I suppose that'll be the end of this conversation.

Mrs. R.: I'm putting the phone down.

Bert wants me to point out that he put the phone down first. And tomorrow I have to phone Dixons and demand my money back.

*sigh*

By the way, this whole process was immediately followed by my brother going through a strangely similar routine with 02, this time with Bert in the supporting role. What is the world coming to?