I've just been tidying up my text messages, and I thought I'd share a few from Bert. These are the more wordy ones; usually they consist of "yes", "no", "maybe" etc. in response to texts from me. Of course I've generally forgotten my question by the time I get the cryptic replies. However, the messages below prove how articulate Bert can be when he wants to be (i.e. when he is pissed, which applies to all of these except the last one).

I went camping without him in the summer. Night 1:

Weather iffy sat
shit sunday
u may want to come back then

Night 2:

hows ur curry?
meaning 'I'm in the middle of a gorgeous Agra curry and you're in the middle of a field'

Night 3:

how big is your steak?

In October Bert went on a trip to Antwerp with some pals from his university days. Night 1:

Da da doo
doo doo
doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo
doo doo doo
doo doo doo
doo da doo
doo da doo
love
me

Night 2:

Am I drunk?
No
do I love you?
Yes
am I having a piss?
Yes
does that matter?
No
as it is
bert
xx

Night 3:

We need to enjoy each other more
btw having another piss
x

21st November:

Woman in bakers
thinks i look like
famous tennis player

I've just asked Bert if he minds me putting his texts on the blog. "Texts? What texts? *sigh* Oh, do what you like." He's got other things on his mind, like trying to make his bedtime cuppa when he's only got the use of one hand. Filling the kettle seems to be particularly challenging.

(Personally I think he should get pissed instead.)