Post-haste

Oops. It's been so long since I last posted I accidentally typed 'lovingwithbert' into Google. Anyway, on that note I thought I'd better offer you a quickie.

Here are some possible reasons why I haven't posted for a while:

• Bert left
• I left
• I was showing solidarity for the UK postal strike
• The Internet was broken
• I've been away
• I won the lottery
• Bert stopped being funny

Sorry to tease - of course it is the most mundane of reasons. Our Internet connection (left) was broken. It was fixed a few days ago, but only accessible from Bert's PC (right). Bert is on his computer 90% of the time (and wonders why his shoulder hurts) and the girls account for another 9%. I found my 1% access too limiting, and sitting at Bert's ergonomically challenged desk wasn't overly inviting.

Anyway, having lured you back in I am going to go off again. We are off to Florida for 18 days (wonder if those McEnroe fans are still lurking?). We are going with our pals the Scouse Gits so there will be plenty of fun and no doubt a few too many hangovers.

We are setting off at 5.30 am tomorrow morning, and of course Bert has not even thought about packing. He has just announced that he still needs to:

• go and get currency
• go shopping for toiletries and Patak's curry pastes
• wash his only pair of jeans
• find his one pair of shorts and sandals

So to my fans - both of you - I bid a temporary farewell and will soon be back with more Bertisms.

Shit Stirring

Bless me, what a sheltered life I've led. Of course there are enema fetishists and poo porn fans out there. I've been checking where people are coming to my site from, and there are more than you might have thought. Or is everyone at it and I just never realised?

Now, if I were to include phrases like 'shit smearing', 'enema angels', 'Rubber Latex Inflatable Enema With Thick Sheath Fetish' on my blog, I would probably get loads more hits. But how disappointing it must be for them when they end up here! No pictures or anything. And Bert might be perverse but he isn't perverted.

But that reminds me - when we first met and I told him he was perverse (because he was and still is), he really wouldn't believe that I wasn't calling him perverted. But then, he is much more comfortable with numbers than with words. Around that time, he also insisted that 'invariably' meant 'most of the time' and it doesn't it means without variance, that's every goddamn time!

(I hope I'm right.)

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Recently we've been arguing about getting things done. Bert likes to posture that he is 'a doer', i.e. that he 'gets things done', whilst I'm a lazy good-for-nothing. He doesn't quite put it like that (what he actually said was "you come across as rather ineffective"). It is true that he appears (ok, is) more physically active than me but I do way more thinking and emoting than him.

Anyway, I like to annoy him by saying that he might be a 'doer' but he's not a 'Completer Finisher'. "What do you mean?" he asks, looking worried - clearly he doesn't like the sound of this. "I mean that you're a 'Starter Stopper'*. You start loads of different jobs but you always move on to the next thing before you finish the one you're doing."

(*'Starter Stopper' isn't one of Belbin's characters but it's one of a few I'd add, along with 'Argumentative Sod', 'Invariably Perverse' and 'Starts Jobs Involving Lots of Tools and Mess Just After the House Has Been Tidied'.)

Very soon I will add some pictures to illustrate Bert's Start-Stop tendencies.

You may need to remind me.

I might be too busy doing nothing in particular to remember.