Driving me crazy

Today Bert drove me to work in his car (normally I go in my own car). There was a really bad smell and Bert explained he had water running into the car because of a blocked filter. [If you're reading this, Bert, could you explain that bit again about the 'skirt' on the tube attached to the filter being such a bad design? I'm afraid I drifted off a bit at that point, but you're probably right that having a kink in the pipe instead would be much more effective. Shall I contact VW customer services and let them know?]

Bert said that the leak was causing problems with the electrics (his windows had been playing up). It was raining this morning, so we soon came across another minor electrical problem: the windscreen wipers wouldn't work. Bert was taking an 'interesting' route ('better' than the route I normally take), so I was already a little tense by now.

Bert tried the wipers again from time to time, and a couple of times accidentally sprayed soap over the screen so we were both bobbing our heads up and down to find bits of the windscreen we could actually see through. Eventually we had to stop in order to wipe the screen manually, only to find that Bert's scraper had no rubber on it. You try wiping a windscreen with a bit of scratchy plastic.

Anyway, with the help of a few old tissues lying around, Bert finally cleared the screen and we set off again. At that point the car beeped loudly and I jumped.

  "What the hell was that?"
  "Just the low fuel warning." (looks at me) "Are you not enjoying this journey, then?"

OK, I was able to laugh. After all, I've had much worse car experiences with Bert over the years. Our first ever car was a lime green Morris Ital (probably Rover's worst ever car and the cause of their downfall). The first time we took it over 50 miles per hour the bonnet flew up and completely obscured the road ahead. But I shouldn't complain; it didn't happen every time we went at that speed.

The next car was a Chrysler Alpine. This was actually a reasonable car (as you can see we're not very image conscious). However, in its later years it developed a problem whereby it would stall without warning and not start again. I remember so very well the time the car died at traffic lights while I was in the outside lane. I was on my own but it was OK because I had Bert's instructions to hand (he was in Korea at the time which is just as well):

• Lift the Bonnet
• Get the Hammer
• Tap the Starter Motor
• Get Back into the Car and Try Again
• Repeat if Necessary
• (Only if All This Doesn't Work) Push the Car to the Side of the Road
• Call for Help But Don't Expect to Use a Mobile Phone Because They Haven't Been Invented Yet

I still get anxious when I replay this memory.